Y'all,

Last night, Ben the Plunderer sent a message and referred to the
necessity for "offering additional housing..If one of the
environmentalists and HUD see your discriminating in who you offering
housing to you could be in big trouble..maybe a little
spraypaint could fix up those sparrows... "

Well, that idea with paint started rattling around and I devised yet
another plan / scheme to keep the sparrows out of the purple martin
condominium. Or, maybe, just to screw with their heads somewhat. Someone
once said something about "simple plans being the best".

Our Super-Gem-Dandy-12-holer Birdhouse came with plastic snap-in plugs
to close off the apartments for the winter or to close off the entrances
pending the arrival of the purple martins. There are 6 apartments, with
porches and balconies, on both the north and south sides. No entrances
on the east and west ends.

So, at 1:30 AM, after having had this brainstorm, I gathered up all the
necessary materials and went up and rousted my Official Assistant
(Missy) out from under the haystack fast asleep. She was,
understandably, somewhat less than thrilled with the whole idea. Tried
to explain to her that, in her role as Accessory before, during, and
after the fact, she had only to hold the battle lantern so I could see
to do my Duty as I saw it.

We trooped out into the back yard and lowered the birdhouse to where I
could get at it. Plugged all the "real" apartment entrances with the
plastic snap-in's. Then took a black Crayola crayon and created 4
"entrances" the same size as the real ones on the east and west ends of
the house.

Now, since there are no porches or balconies on the ends of the house,
the sparrows have to fly directly into the "entrance" hole to land.

Been sitting here all morning watching the little dummies bang their
stupid little heads against the house and then bounce off when they try
to fly into the pseudo-holes.

They really ain't catching on all that fast. A couple of them seem to be
having some stability problems in the pitch, roll, and yaw modes.
Another has developed what I believe is called a fugoid oscillation when
he flies. Maybe after their noggins get sore enough or their brains get
scrambled enough, they'll give up and go bother someone else. But they
are persistent little boogers. I'll give then that.

Some of these Volvo-Driving, Tree Hugger neighbors will probably have me
reported to the ASPCA before sundown.

    Reg, watching heads go "Bonk" and "Clank"