Daddy's Ten Rules for Dating

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
 

  2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her,so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
 

 3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this com-promise:  You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
 

  4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
kill you.
 

 5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Do not
do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when
you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I
need from you on this subject is:  "early".
 

  6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make
her cry, I will make you realize that which goes around, comes around.
 

  7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
 

  8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
 daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool.  Places where there is darkness.  Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter into wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a
goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat.  Movies with a strong romantic
or sexual theme are to be avoided.  Movies which feature
chainsaws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.  Old folks homes are better.
 

  9. Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing merciless God of your universe.  If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house.  Do not
trifle with me.
 

 10. Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell
me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon
as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in
plan sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that
you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car -- there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the
window is mine.