Women love to point to childbirth as the ultimate pain. "Men," they reason, "cannot bear children. Therefore, men can't possibly understand the pain involved." Women, will usually finish their argument with some anecdote about being in labor for 36 hours and how it nearly killed them.
Women, don't have a clue!
Back when I was running recon; we used to have a drug that was designed to keep a person from defecating. I think it was called Lomotil. When, on an operation, deep within enemy held and denied territory, it was deemed necessary to take this drug in order to prevent, leaving odoriferous evidence of a teams intrusion. In other words; Don't shit in the AO!
I remember being stuck in the AO for fifteen days. The weather had been so bad, the helicopters could not get us out. Taking Lomotil for fifteen days comes with a heavy price tag. Those of us that have paid the price, fondly refer to it as: The dreaded, Hammerhead Shit!
Lomotil, always locked me up tighter than Ft. Knox. When I finally got the urge to move my bowels, some 5 days after I stopped taking the medicine, I knew that it was time for me to pay the price. Out of morbid curiosity, I weighed myself before entering the stall. I felt like I was passing a roll of concertina wire! The excrement was so large that it could not be flushed until it was broken up by a stick! My anus had been seriously ripped and required medical attention! I had lost, five and a half pounds! I believe that this qualifies me to have an "understanding" about the pain of childbirth.
In "Kill Zone", I made reference to a pain that every man can identify but, women can never understand. I refer, of course, to the physical and psychological pain that comes with having ones balls blown off!
There! You just witnessed it! Every man, who just read the preceding paragraph, just moaned in empathic agony! The women only giggled! They don+t have a clue. The seriousness of this situation totally escapes them. Whereas; any eight year old boy, who has slipped off the pedals of his bicycle, can grasp this concept with total clarity. This is a pain that can disable through the power of suggestion. To actually experience an exploding gonad, can produce an out of body experience that will bring you, face to face, with God!
My foray into this surrealistic, mental landscape, began while I was leading a recon mission. Something exploded in front of me and .....Can you picture a carnival mallet? You know, the kind that the barker wants you to ring a bell with. That's right! "Strike the lever...make the ball ring the bell and you win a prize!" he calls out. Now, picture the force that is generated, by that giant hammer, as it strikes the lever. Got it? Let's just say...My bell got rung!
I almost died in the few minutes that followed. I rolled on the ground, unable to breathe, unable to move and too fearful to contemplate my injuries. I could not bring myself to even look at my groin, for fear that I would find a huge vacancy where, Big Jim and the twins, used to live!
Even the enemy, stopped shooting at me. They must have figured that I would die from my wounds or, I would shoot myself in the head to end my misery. There was another possibility the enemy hadn't counted on: I got really pissed and they died!
Of course, you already know all about this mission. After all, you've read "Kill Zone"; haven't you? Did I mention that this was a continuation of "Kill Zone"? Well then, you already know that I didn't, completely, lose my Bahoogies in this incident. What you don't know is: what happened after I got back to Danang and checked into the dispensary.
The CCN doctor was of oriental ancestry. His name was Jon Wang. Hey, I'm not making this up! He's in the books, honest!
Doc Wang was a very capable and competent surgeon. I believe, however, that the unfortunate connotations of his name, seriously affected his thought processes. Here was a doctor that made it his mission in life to insure that everyone in CCN was circumcised! Doc Wang even invented a special type of circumcision. The foreskin looked as if it had been cut away with Pinking Shears. This "riffle cut" would then fold outward, when the penis was erect, and have the same effect as a "French Tickler". Lemuel McGlothern received one of these "riffle cut" circumcisions. He swears that his sex life picked up after this. He even got laid by one of the dispensary nurses! But, this is a story that needs to be told later!
I remember thinking that it was very appropriate, for the good doctor to be working on this part of my anatomy. Sort of a good omen, if you can follow my thinking. Doc determined that I had sustained some shrapnel damage but, the majority of my injury was caused by some sort of blunt trauma. We figured that the explosion propelled a good sized rock into my groin. The doctor loaded me up with pain killers and antibiotics and instructed me to stay away from wild women and heavy drinking.
I didn't see any problem with following his instructions, regarding the wild women. My "unit" was very swollen and I did not think that it was up to any heavy bump and grind action. The no drinking part however, interfered with my plans for the night.
After cleaning up, I wandered over to the Recon Club. This club was the social center for all of CCN. How should I describe it?
Did you ever see the movie, "Air America"? Do you remember the scene where all of the pilots were in a privately owned, miniature golf course? Everybody was drunk beyond belief. The newbie pilot, Robert Downey Jr., turned to Mel Gibson and asked, "Do you guys go on binges like this, often?"
Mel answered, "Binges? Hell, this is just nightime!"
That scene pretty well described the Recon Club! I entered this den of inequity. My ears rang with the din of Creedence Clearwater's "Run Through The Jungle", blaring from the club's stereo system. I began drinking beer. I must have consumed two six packs of that wonderous amber liguid when, the helicopter crew arrived.
You remember the chopper crew, don't you? These were the guys that flew through a wall of fire to pull me out of the AO. Needless to say, I was very happy to see them!
I shouted to them, my voice penetrating through John Fogarty's bluesy vocals and got their attention. Grabbing the pilots by the head I french kissed them right dead in their ears. I was in rare form! I plied them with drinks, not allowing them to buy a single round! Finally, my bladder was filled to the point of bursting.
Now this brings us to the second title of this story. You did notice that this story had two titles, didn't you? I'll bet you were wondering if I'd ever get to this point. Well, here we are!
Standing before the shining white porcelain of the urinal, I gently cradled that appendage that all men hold most dear. Despite the torture they had endured, Big Jim and the twins were still hanging in there! The urine splashed into the drain and I marvelled at how incredible was this most basic of human functions.
Grinning, I stood there, recalling the events of the day; remembering my fear when, I thought I had lost my manhood, my elation, when I discovered that I was still intact and now my manhood safe within my hands! I knew that only a man could get this much pleasure from taking a leak!