"If you can read this, thank a teacher."

"If you can read it in English, thank a soldier."

 

You Might be a Soldier If...

 

1. All your possessions are military issue.

 

 2. Your kids recite their ABC's phonetically.

 

 3. Your kids call their sandbox "NTC".

 

 4. You have pull-up bars outside the kitchen door.

 

 5. Your daughter's first haircut was a flattop.

 

 6. Your kids pull fireguard.

 

 7. Your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster".

 

 8. You always back into parking spaces.

 

 9. You have to look up your parents phone number, but can dial the CQ, SDNCO, company, battalion, and brigade with no problem at all.

 

10. Each page of your vacation atlas has two routes marked.

 

11. Your kids call the tooth fairy "Slicky Boy".

 

12. Your son fails the third grade, but tells everyone he was a "phase three recycle".

 

13. Your favorite author is Mike Malone or Tom Clancy.

 

14. When your kids are too noisy, you yell "at ease!"

 

15. You don't own any blue ink pens.

 

16. Your leave always occurs during the last week of September.

 

17. Your wife's "high-n-tight" is more squared away than your Commander's.

 

18. You keep a box of MREs at home and in the trunk of your car in case of emergencies.

 

19. When talking to relatives by phone, you end the conversation with "out here."

 

20. You refer to your spouse as "Household 6" or "CINC House."

 

21. You've seen Patton enough times to memorize his speech.

 

22. Fox News is your favorite program.

 

23. You call the Post Locator instead of Information to find your friends.

 

24. You take the family camping with no tent or sleeping bags.

 

25. The only time you and the spouse eat without the kids is at the unit "dining out."

 

26. Your kids can speak three languages by age eight.

 

27. The only suit you own is your Class A uniform.

 

28. You carry your pager to the shower.

 

29. Your vehicle is registered on post and in two different states.

 

30. You convince your spouse that all ten of your guns are necessary for home protection.

 

31. You have more money invested in TA-50 than in your car.

 

32. You tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they try to explain that it's only nine o'clock.

 

33. The allotment column of your LES has more entries than the entitlement column.

 

34. No one understands the stories you tell because of all the acronyms.

 

35. You can explain the Gettysburg battlefield better than directions to your house.

 

36. Your kids know the words to "she wore a yellow ribbon."

 

37. Your two-year old calls everyone in BDUs "daddy".

 

38. The phone book lists your rank instead of Mr.

 

39. Your spouse hasn't unpacked the good china for twenty years.

 

40. Your monthly BAS goes to the mess hall.

 

41. You ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the unrealistic military scenes.

 

42. You live on post so you can hear reveille every morning.

 

43. Your family calls you "Sir."

 

44. All your jokes begin with "there was this soldier, a marine and an airman..."

 

45. You feel compelled to get a haircut every three days.

 

46. All of your shoes are military style, except for one pair and that pair is your running shoes.

 

47. You are convinced that coffee is a nutrient.

 

48. Your home town is convinced that you are a foreigner.

 

49. Your first impressions of civilians are that they all need haircuts.

 

50. All of your underwear is colored OD Green, Brown, or White.

 

51. Civilians exercise and you conduct PT.

 

52. You feel guilty about leaving work at any hour.

 

53. All of your friends wear dockers.

 

54. You only wear those dorky military glasses or the geeky aviation glasses.

 

55. Your kids categorize other kids as either military brats or civilian slugs.

 

56. The phones in your home resemble the standard military version.

 

57. You answer your phone at home by explaining that the line is unsecure.

 

58. Your spouse owns several military cookbooks published by family support groups.

 

59. Half of the mementos in your house are from Korea or Germany.

 

60. Your newborn must attend the newcomers' orientation briefing within the first 30 days.

 

61. Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam.

 

62. You go to a barbecue and insist that your family feed tactically.

 

63. You make your children clear housing before they go off to college.

 

64. You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags on your floorboards as part of a tune-up.

 

65. Your POV is equipped with blackout lights.

 

66. Your kids call their mother "Household 6."

 

67. Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus.

 

68. Your doorbell sounds off with the current challenge and password.

 

69. You have sector sketches and range cards posted by every window in your house.

 

70. You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.

 

71. Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on separate rations, and must pay for the meal.

 

72. You make your daughter sign out on pass on Prom Night.

 

73. Your kindergartner calls recess a "smoke break."

 

74. Your wife takes a "knee" in the checkout line at the supermarket.

 

75. You do your "back to school" shopping at the U.S. Cavalry Store.

 

76. Your kids salute their grandparents.

 

77. Your kids get an LES with their allowance.

 

78. Your grandmother won "All American Week" and "Best Ranger".

 

79. Your kids initials are AR, FM, TM, or DA.

 

80. Your pick-up has your name stenciled on the windshield.

 

81. Your kids are hand-receipt holders.

 

82. Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry."

 

83. Your wife keeps Mermites in the china cabinet.

 

84. Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony.

 

85. You call your in-laws the "Slice Elements"

 

86. Your dog's name is "Ranger".

 

87. You decorate your Christmas tree with Chem Lights and Engineer Tape.

 

88. You've given your children an Article 15.

 

89. If you understood all of these expressions.