Sending Old Men To War
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those
responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and
But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the
whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they
ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys
only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't
lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.
If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back
hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't
had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old
enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed
126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert
heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An
18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early (to
If old guys are captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably
forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be
a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're
used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've
also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost
better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however.
I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging
over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the
Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part
is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to wear pants without the top
of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, to learn that a
pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 200-watt speaker in the
back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to
keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending
them off to a possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten
cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy
would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
Soldier, Soldier Safe!
De Oppresso Liber