This "speech" was written recently by an ordinary Maineiac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective.  This is an excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.

 

The speech George W. Bush SHOULD give:

  

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Normally, I  start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans."   Not  doing it this time.  If the polls are any indication, I don't know who  more than half of you are anymore.  I do know something terrible has  happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any  longer.

I'll  cut right to the chase here:  I quit.  Now before anyone gets all  in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution  or something, let me assure you:  There's been no breaking of laws or  impeachable offenses in this office.

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The  reason I'm quitting is simple.  I'm fed up with you people.  I'm  fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the  world.  Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours.   And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure  it out.

Let's  start local.  You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the  news media.  Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is  in the tank.  And that's despite record numbers of homeowners,  including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners.  And while we're  mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at  an all-time high.  Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was  during the  Clinton   administration.  I've mentioned all those things before, but it  doesn't seem to have sunk in.

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Despite the shock  to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and  more Americans than ever are participating in these markets.   Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too  damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased  demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy  idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your  economic security.

We  face real threats in the world.  Don't give me this "blood for oil"  thing.  If I were trading blood for oil I would've already  seized Iraq  's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell.  And don't  give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either.  If I were the liar  you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted  in Iraq so  they could be 'discovered.'  Instead, I owned up to the fact that the  intelligence was faulty.

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Let  me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same  as me.  Let me also remind you that regime change  in Iraq was  official US policy before I came into  office.  Some guy named 'Clinton' established that  policy.  Bet you didn't know that, did you?

You idiots  need to understand that we face a unique enemy.  Back during the cold  war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring  off.  We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the  Communists wanted to survive, just as we do.  We were simply able to  out spend and out-tech them.

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That's not the  case this time.  The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they  survive.  In fact, they want to die.  That'd be fine, as long as  they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they  can.  But they are.  They want to kill you, and the bastards are  all over the globe.

You  should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the  United  States since September 11.  But you're not.  That's because you've  got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law  enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of  that.  When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a  long and difficult fight.  I'm disappointed how many of you people  think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of  'Survivor.'

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Instead,  you've grown impatient.  You're incapable of seeing things through the  long lens of history, the way our enemies do.  You think that wars  should last a few months, a few years, tops.

Making matters  worse, you actively support those who help the enemy.  Every time you  buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run  Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a  grenade launcher to a Jihadist.  It amounts to the same  thing.

In this day  and age, it's easy enough to find the truth.  It's all over the  Internet.  It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC  News.  But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter.  Most of  you would rather watch American Idol.

I  could say more about your expectations that the government will always be  there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's  below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.

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I  could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own  wallet, is where the money comes from.  But I've come to the conclusion  that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I  quit.  I'm going back to Crawford.  I've got an energy-efficient  house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully  self-sufficient.  No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected,  and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it  again.  Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last  pillars of America   fall.

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Oh,  and by the way, Cheney's quitting too.  That means Pelosi is your new  President.  You asked for it.  Watch what she does carefully,  because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you  remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So  that's it.  God bless what's left of  America.   Some of you know what I mean.  The rest of you, kiss off.