If General George Patton were alive and President of the USA, this would probably be his Fireside Speech:
My fellow Americans; As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. Since congress does
not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be
complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of
countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom,
Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Norway and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list.
My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List #2 ceases
immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the
costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hell-holes and watch those government
leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine?
Wrestling with an epidemic?
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to cut taxes and solve some local problems.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you
and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. You, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David
is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for
all your help, comrades.
We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in
Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and
crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your
precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List #2...Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of
each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List #2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude
adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep,
border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty--starting now. It is time for America to
focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by
saying darn tootin'.
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying
enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to cut taxes here because we will not be spending on other peoples problems.
To the nations on List #1, a final thought...Thanks guys. We owe you.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought...Drop dead.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.