If I were President George W.  Bush's Speech Writer.
By Mitchell R.  Robb Good evening my fellow Americans.
 

First, I want to pass on my condolences to the people of New York and all
Americans that are hurting in this tragic time.  You can rest assured that
anything and everything that can be done to assure the safety of our country
will be done.  This is the greatest country in the world and we will get
through this trying time.  Now is the time for all people to set aside our
petty differences and show the world that no one or nothing can destroy the
fortitude of the American people.
 

To the people responsible for today's tragedy, I say this:
Are you fucking kidding me?  Are the turbans on your heads wrapped too
tight?  Have you gone too long without a bath?  Do you not know who you are
fucking with?  Americans are so hungry to kill, that we shoot at each other
every day.  We will relish that opportunity for new targets for our
aggression.
 

Have you forgotten history?  What happened to the last people that started
fucking around with us?  Remember the little yellow bastards over in Japan?
We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about 2 million of them in
their own back yard.  That's what we in America call a big ass barbecue.
Ever seen Texas on a map?  Ever wonder why it's so big?  Because we wanted
it that way.  Mexico started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut
our lawns.
England?  We sent them packing.
 

Ask your buddy Saddam about fucking with the good 'ole USA.  The only reason
he got away the first time is because it's too hard to shoot someone when
you're doubled over laughing at them.  Our soldiers aren't trained to laugh
and shoot at the same time.  Now he couldn't stop a pack of Trust us,
Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box.  Go ahead and try to hide,
Bin Laden.  There's not a hole deep enough or a mountain high enough that's
going to keep your camel riding asses safe.  We will bomb every inch of the
country that harbors him, his camps and any place that looks and even smells
like he was there.
Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that have pissed us off in
the past.  This is America.  We kick ass.  This is what we do.
Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks are coming and very soon we will
smoke your sorry asses.
 

God bless America!